Sunday, 31 July 2016

Can't fit in.

Dear friend,

I finished high school and now I'm in college. It's been two weeks already, but I can't, I just can't seem to fit in. Ever since I was in grade 8, I wanted to study in Delhi University. It's like one of the best colleges India has and I'd worked just s hard for it. I trained, debated and studied hard every single day of my life in the past three years. Never took a break, never budged from my goal because I knew what I wanted to do. I didn't want to be called a failure. I had had enough of that already.

I left the place I had stayed in for 17 years and now have moved in to a new state I know nothing about and I can't seem to fit in.My classmates are all very nice and smart but the people out of my class or college are rude. Nobody will ever answer your question without frowning or sighing atleast once. I can't fit in because the place I come from a place where the people are too cordial to be true. Not even kidding. the friends I had before coming to college were with me for more than 10 years and some of them I'd known for  13 years. It's hard to leave behind so many things, so many people, my mom included.

The week after my mom returned back home, she was down with fever and all kinds of other disorders that she had never had. For any common man it would be a very thing, but I knew what was wrong. She's lonely and the fact that she is lonely and depressed kills me. The last three years of my life very very busy and very hectic. I spent most of my time with her because she used to take me around to classes or training or competition or wherever it was that I had to go. I saw her every hour of the day and the fact that she is not here with me hurts more than anything. I am confined to one room; alone, lonely, depressed.

I can't fit in with my classmates and I don't even know why. I can't adjust with the things that are best for me right now. I can't be the kind of person I have been all along. I can't laugh or smile like I always used to do. I can't keep up with the crowd that I see in the metro always. I can't tolerate the fact that I am a statistic in the world full of people where my only try is to stand out and not be someone or something common.I can't walk out of my room without being worried about my own safety because I am alone. I can't swallow the damn food because it was prepared by someone I don't know. I can't get rid of this feeling of hopelessness. I can't stop feeling miserable. I can't stop feeling homesick. And I can't. I just can't seem to fit in anywhere.

I don't know what to do to feel better again. But  do know that things will fall in place, that things will start getting better, that there is going to be a time when the "can'ts" will turn into something better. But the fact that the future is going to be really nice and bright, does not in any way take away the fact that my present is giving me a hard time. I wish I was the kind of person who never got affected by anything. But the truth is, that I am not. I hope this ends soon.

Love always,
Urja

3 comments:

  1. running away isnt solving the issues at hand ha?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It never will and running away is never the option. Being there, facing it will be more satisfying than running away. Right?

      Delete
    2. It never will and running away is never the option. Being there, facing it will be more satisfying than running away. Right?

      Delete