Since my last post was about how I was not able to fit in, this title does justice to my current post, since my first semester has ended. I've been learning a lot lately, one of them is not trying to fit in. It might sound funny now, but I'll justify my statement soon.
I was talking to my senior one day, cribbing like a kid about how hard life is and about how hectic my schedule is and about how I feel so alienated around people. I complain a lot, but no matter what I say or no matter how much I want to cry, I have to get all of my work done and I do them anyway. It's a hard life, but I'm not the only one having it hard, almost everyone is having it hard if not harder. It is always going to be hard, the only reason why we're not able to notice how hard it is, is because we are consumed by minutely small but larger than life kind of happy days that come rarely, but they do come. In these 4 and a half months I realized that the only reason I was finding it hard was because this is new to me. Everything is new to me and no matter how much I pretend to be tough and strong, I am just another teenager, unaware and inexperienced, standing alone for the very first time, among people whose faces aren't familiar. I needed time to adjust. Everyone needs time to adjust and to let the newness of everything sink in.
I don't know about you, but for me I have my own theory for not being able to like people or not being able to be myself around them. So here it goes: The people I left when I came here were the people I've been with for more than 8-9 years, some of them have been my friends for 13 years. The fact that I was around them for so long has, in a way, shaped my perspective of people or of the kind of friends that I would expect to find everywhere. Every time I made a new friend, I would compare them to my old friends, try to analyze if any of their habits or any trait of their personality met my already-fixed-idea of a good friend and judge them heavily if it didn't match. I was constantly expecting people to be like the ones I knew. I know how bad this sounds, but this is how I am.
No. This is how I was.
But things have changed. I've realized that just as I was expecting people to accept me the way I am, others have been expecting the same thing from me all along. Making friends or accepting people didn't mean I had to completely discard of the old ones to make space for the new ones; but it also did not mean that I would establish an idea of an ideal friend and start equating people on the basis of it. I've realized that life is not about comparing and choosing. In fact, it's about going out there and not feeling the need to compare any situation, circumstance or even people to find out what is the best and what is not the best for us. I don't really get what people mean when they say open your heart and let things sink in. I don't think I'll ever understand that. But what I do know is that I am going to embrace change from now on. It's okay if things don't feel the same anymore, we'll get used to it and who knows? Maybe make the best out of it. Even if it isn't the best, we'll learn from it and if it's really really bad, it won't mean anything to us 5 years down the lane.
There is as much beauty in letting in as there is in letting go and I guess I needed to be aware of that completely. Everything takes time and if good time didn't last, bad time won't either.
Love always,
Urja
I was talking to my senior one day, cribbing like a kid about how hard life is and about how hectic my schedule is and about how I feel so alienated around people. I complain a lot, but no matter what I say or no matter how much I want to cry, I have to get all of my work done and I do them anyway. It's a hard life, but I'm not the only one having it hard, almost everyone is having it hard if not harder. It is always going to be hard, the only reason why we're not able to notice how hard it is, is because we are consumed by minutely small but larger than life kind of happy days that come rarely, but they do come. In these 4 and a half months I realized that the only reason I was finding it hard was because this is new to me. Everything is new to me and no matter how much I pretend to be tough and strong, I am just another teenager, unaware and inexperienced, standing alone for the very first time, among people whose faces aren't familiar. I needed time to adjust. Everyone needs time to adjust and to let the newness of everything sink in.
I don't know about you, but for me I have my own theory for not being able to like people or not being able to be myself around them. So here it goes: The people I left when I came here were the people I've been with for more than 8-9 years, some of them have been my friends for 13 years. The fact that I was around them for so long has, in a way, shaped my perspective of people or of the kind of friends that I would expect to find everywhere. Every time I made a new friend, I would compare them to my old friends, try to analyze if any of their habits or any trait of their personality met my already-fixed-idea of a good friend and judge them heavily if it didn't match. I was constantly expecting people to be like the ones I knew. I know how bad this sounds, but this is how I am.
No. This is how I was.
But things have changed. I've realized that just as I was expecting people to accept me the way I am, others have been expecting the same thing from me all along. Making friends or accepting people didn't mean I had to completely discard of the old ones to make space for the new ones; but it also did not mean that I would establish an idea of an ideal friend and start equating people on the basis of it. I've realized that life is not about comparing and choosing. In fact, it's about going out there and not feeling the need to compare any situation, circumstance or even people to find out what is the best and what is not the best for us. I don't really get what people mean when they say open your heart and let things sink in. I don't think I'll ever understand that. But what I do know is that I am going to embrace change from now on. It's okay if things don't feel the same anymore, we'll get used to it and who knows? Maybe make the best out of it. Even if it isn't the best, we'll learn from it and if it's really really bad, it won't mean anything to us 5 years down the lane.
There is as much beauty in letting in as there is in letting go and I guess I needed to be aware of that completely. Everything takes time and if good time didn't last, bad time won't either.
Love always,
Urja
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