Vulnerability

Dear friend,

It’s been a long time since my last letter. It’s been a little rough lately, but it’ll pass like it always does and then it will come back again like it always does.

It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon on a lonely park bench. I like it when I’m alone, you don’t have to confine yourself within the parameters of being socially and politically correct, which is very satisfying and peaceful.

A few minutes later, a lady walks past me and sits under a tree in the corner. I didn’t pay attention because I had my earphones on and I was reading a book. But after some time, I look at her and she was sobbing or maybe crying. You know the kind of crying where your heart is exploding into a million pieces and your soul is screaming and shouting but you try to suppress it, you try to cover your mouth so that you don’t make a sound and you want to fade away so that no one can see you. The kind of crying where you don’t want anyone around you, but a shoulder beside you and a hand on your back would mean everything to you. The kind of crying where you stop momentarily, but it all flashes back within seconds, flooding your memory with way too much more than you can handle, the kind of crying where you are so vulnerable, all that you want to do is, die.

It was something I would never forget. I couldn’t get myself to go to her and ask her what was wrong but it broke me to watch her falling apart like that. She was so vulnerable.

I wondered what was wrong. Did she lose someone or something? Did she have a break up? Did she break someone’s heart? Did her life fall apart? Did she fail someone? Did she lose hope? Did she see something or feel something she never had before? Or was this her way of letting all the anger and frustration out that maybe had welled up for a long time now?

I couldn’t know because I never asked.

I sat there watching her and then it dawned upon me, the times I have been this vulnerable and broken. Times when I could give anything, I could do anything just to make it stop hurting or just to make things alright, to make it go away. Times when I don’t know what hurts the most, the fact that something bad happened to me or finding out that I am incapable of making it stop hurting. I am not even sure if I can explain what feeling vulnerable feels like, or if you can explain what vulnerability feels like. Sometimes, it overwhelms your consciousness and you succumb to it and sometimes you can get back up and keep moving.

To have your guards down, to feel helpless and miserable; is there strength or is there weakness in feeling vulnerable? I don’t think I’ll be able to figure out.

I wanted to help her. I wanted to help her so much. But I guess I’ll never know what happened to her or what was bothering her, if she lived through it or not, there were just so many uncertainties about her that I would never know about.

How could I? I never asked.  

Love always,

Urja